To My First Born

Before we know it, it will no longer just be us. For the past 3 years, it's been you and I'm so fortunate to have those years just us. Soon your life will be changed as you'll be a big sister. I can't believe my baby will now be the big sibling. Soon you won't seem so small. It's hard to believe, even as I look at you now and notice how much you've changed, you've grown, all right before my eyes everyday. Now let me wipe away the stream of tears and continue to write this for you.

The funny thing about time is it's the biggest love hate relationship I can think of. Seeing you grow has been the greatest, but time is equally such a thief.

You are the one who made me a mama. You gave me purpose, you have taught me more things about myself than I ever thought was possible. I learned what it means to be selfless, and you taught me how to be strong. Looking back on every sleepless doubting myself moment, to every happy milestone, you never realize how strong you're capable of being. You've opened my eyes to so much. How lucky am I to have experienced this. It's true when they say you don't really remember what life was like before.

We've talked about this for months now, as I tried my very best to prepare you. It feels like yesterday we told you, unsure if you'd understand what was happening, but even then we saw the excitement in your eyes. There's something so sweet and comforting about watching you light up, hug and kiss my belly all on your own, talk about the things you will do with your baby sister, and the names you want her to have. I love that you are so excited. It helps mama's anxiousness about the change that's to come to settle, to feel ready.

But I won't lie, this mix of emotions has my head in a whirl. Even more so now as the baby countdown is on. Soon there will be another one to split my time, attention, and heart with. I feel guilty admitting to the mixed emotions, but it's something I don't think one can understand until you're in this moment. I've been told that feeling of not understanding how your mama heart can possibly love another, instantly vanishes the moment your new baby arrives. I know this will happen for me too, my heart is too big not to feel that instant love. But the time leading up to that day feels different. And so I promise to continue to give you my all.

The role you're about to take on, I am so proud to see you in. You're gaining a forever best friend, a best friend who will look up to you and love you so much. I'm so happy to give you this. Soon we will have another one to join us on all the adventures you and me love to take, like all the donut, smoothie, and Target runs we snuck in and laughed saying, "Don't tell Dad!". Soon we will have one more to join us in all the tutu dancing, Taylor Swift singing days.

So to my first, I love you more than words can describe, all of my very firsts I owe to you. Thank you for making me a mama. Thank you for making me better. Even on the hard days where I don't feel it, where I'm hard on myself, you always remind me that I can do this.

And so over these last few days, I'll squeeze you a little closer, a whole lot longer, and mentally capture this moment forever. I promise I will always need you as much as you need me.

Love,

Your mama.

"It's just been us since you made me a mama. My other half, my sweetest little friend. Come here my baby, and be my only, for just one moment more. This expanding will build us. Make us fuller I know. But when I see you again, you won't feel as little.

So just lay with me, let me rock you slow. Let me thank you my baby, for being the

best teacher a mama could know" - @mia_carr_